heaven's tree book club

September 13, 2012

Castle Tramps or Palace Princes

Today was a day of both good and bad news. When I awoke and checked my e-mail, I found an e-mail saying that a good friend of mine is now engaged. Many friends celebrate this good news. However, later on that day when my dad, mom, and I went out to the park, my dad was wondering if there is a herbal remedy for my eye condition. He said it has been many years since we looked. With some curiosity, when I got home I went online. I found some sites with some different herbal suggestions but found also that my eye condition is tied to another condition tied to the central nervous system. It was a condition I never had even thought of. So then I went to type in the neurological condition and found out the symptoms. Associated are the symptoms of muscle spasms, tingling in the hands and feet, sharp needle sensations that migrate throughout the body, muscle weakness, fatigue, cognitive disturbance, difficulty walking, and numbness in the hands and feet. I have every one of thhese symptoms. Back in June the doctor thought it was arthritis and it seemed that way. I had joint pain, joint stiffness, and there was inflamation at times. The joint symptoms appear to be gone, but in recent days my feet have been numb, I have have been having muscle spasms, and migrating pains throughout my body. Tonight, I felt like my face went pale white with fear and anxiety about what might happen. I already knew my health condition is serious because it has not improved and that I cannot walk without an assistive device, but tonight I have more anxiety than ever about my future. Tonight, I feel more like a pauper than ever,.  

IN the months following my encounter with Nancy, I found out that the roots of the pauper mentality could be traced all the way back to my conception. The circumstances of my birth and my upbringing caused me to believe lies about myself that kept me from the reality of my identity- in Christ.
 My mother was the head high school cheerleader and my father was the star football player when they fell in love with each other. It was a storybook love affair until my mother became pregnant with me out of wedlock. It was the 1950s, a time when society attached a lot more shame to immorality than it does today. When my grandfather (my mom's father) found out that she was pregnant, he disowned both my mom and dad even though they had run away and married before I was born.
A year later, my father surprised my grandfather by coming to the back door of his house. Before my grandfather had a chance to send him away, my dad dropped to knees and begged for forgiveness. My grandfather forgave him that morning, but neither of them knew the disaster that would soon follow.
Two years later, just a year after my sister was born, my father was fishing when a huge storm suddenly came up and capsized the boat.
father rescued my uncle, taking him to shore, and then went back to retrieve the boat. He never returned. My father drowned on that stormy night in 1958. That same night a search-and-rescue team was organized to find my dad. At around midnight, my grandfather pulled him up off the bottom of Anderson Dam. My life and the life of my family were changed forever.
My father's death created a deep sense of loss and fear of abandonment in my soul. Of course, three-year-olds don't understand what the meaning of death is. All I knew was that he was gone and I feared that my mother would be next. For many years after that, I would get up several times a night and wander into my mother's bedroom, checking to see if she was still there. She told me years later that she would often wake up and find me standing by her bed just staring at her."
I can't imagine the sense of fear and abandonment the author must have felt at such a young age. He felt fear. He felt abandoned. He also didn't know what was going on. He feared that his mother would be next. This sense of powerlessness is part of the pauper mentality. I have no power in my present situation. A prince on the other hand feels like he has power. He matters to those around him. The pauper feels abandoned, insignificant, and powerless. These are the feelings I have tonight. My condition is oftened presented between the ages of 25-40. I wonder why now, why 31. If it was any earlier I would have never gone to New York. Well, it happened when I was in New York. Does it have any association with something in the environment in New York? Could it have been the weather, the air, or the food there? A million questions race in my mind. Why did God not prevent me from going to New York? If I found a job after graduation, New York would have never been a consideration. The author had to contend with not just an absent parent, but abusive stepdads when his mother remarried.

"Tragedy to Trash —
My mother remarried twice. Our first stepfather came into our lives when I was five years old. He made it clear to my sister and me that he married my mother and we were just the baggage that came along with the prize. To make matters worse, he was a violent alcoholic. Brutality became a way of life for us. The house rules for survival were to "Shut up and stay out of the way." My stepfather would often say,"Children are to be seen and not heard." His point was clear: "You are not significant, no one cares about you, and no one gives a rip about what you think."
Even when we stayed out of trouble, we still never knew what kind of mood he would be in. Once, while he was drunk, he held me up by one hand, pulled my pants down, and began to beat me with his belt buckle. Blood started running down both my legs. My mother, screaming and crying, finally managed to pull me free of him.
Beyond being physically abusive, my stepfather seemed to have an agenda to rid us of all our memories of my real father. He was very jealous of my mother's love and would torment us when she showed us any affection. He destroyed all of our father's belongings and prohibited us from seeing any of our father's relatives."
I cannot imagine the memories the author had as a child. There was the powerlessness of losing a parent. Now there is the powerlessness of physical and emotional abuse. Those words hurt equally as much as the physical abuse. Early as a child I can remember my brother's words of insult to me. I can clearly remember the times when my brother called me "stupid" or "idiot". He also had a bad temper and would hit me even though it was clear that as a visually impaired person, I could not fight. I never received love or affection from him until late into my twenties but the scars remain because of what he did. These things never go away and the feeling of powerlessness and insignificance does not easily become undone.

"One night while he was praying, he felt the Lord tell him to give me a portion of his inheritance.
I wrote him a card expressing my gratitude but the strangest thing happened next. I completely avoided him for several months after he gave me that unbelievable gift.
At first, what I was doing wasn't so obvious, yet as time went on it became more apparent. I would see him in a certain room in the church and I would turn around and walk the other direction.
On one occasion I ran to the men's restroom, wondering if I was going to make it there on time, and just as I entered the bathroom I noticed he was there. His back was turned toward me and he hadn't seen me, so I ran out. I had to run all the way to the other side of the building to find another restroom. As I was racing around the building the thought struck me, "Something is wrong with me!" I really didn't have a clue why I was behaving so strangely, and this troubled me.
When I got into bed that night, I couldn't sleep. It was cold and dark and the wind was howling. It seemed like I lay there forever. I kept looking at the clock, waiting for the day to dawn, tossing and turning and pondering why I was behaving so peculiarly. I couldn't get my poor behavior out of my head. My mind turned to other times over the years when I had the same feelings toward other people who had showed me a lot of value. I thought about how many of those relationships I had sabotaged by not allowing people to love me. I became aware that I loved to give to people, but I never liked to receive from them. Still, my behavior didn't make sense.
Finally, in desperation I sought the Lord in prayer, "Lord, do You know what is wrong with me?"
"Yes,'" He replied immediately.
 "What is it?" I asked cautiously.
"Do you really want to know?" He asked.
This was a revealing question. I was actually fairly nervous about finding out what was wrong with me because I had lived in denial a long time. John Maxwell once said, "People change when they hurt enough they have to change, they learn enough they want to change, or they receive enough they are able to change." I recognized that I was hurting enough that I needed to change!
Yes, I do, Lord," I replied.
Jesus said, "The problem with you is that you don't love yourself enough to feel worthy of thirty thousand dollars.You're afraid that if that generous guy gets to know you, he'll be sorry he gave you the money. That is why you don't want him to get close to you."
My anxiety was growing deeper. I could no longer deny that I needed help. I asked,"What should I do?"
"Learn to love yourself as much as I love you. When you do, you will expect people to love you more as they get to know you better!" He replied.
I was stunned. I could not believe what was at the root of my problem. Until this point the love I lacked for myself had never been exposed like that. I knew that others loved me (particularly my wife and kids), and I knew the Lord loved me. I didn't realize that I didn't love myself.
Through that experience I learned that whenever someone values us more than we value ourselves, we tend to sabotage our relationship with that person. Secretly, we don't want them to get close enough to find out that we aren't as good as they think we are. It is about time we learn to love ourselves the way God loves us and see ourselves with our Father's eyes.
My situation is a little different from the author in that in recent months I am unsure about God's love. I don't feel His nearness or grace in my life and especially tonight as I recognize and learn more about my health condition, I feel more abandoned and forgotten by God than ever. Like the author, I really do not love myself. I internalize a lot of negative self-talk. I feel worthless and so I tell myself that I am worthless. I use the words "I can't" a lot and feel very disabled and useless sometimes. This of course contributes to a pauper mentality. Even when my mom makes my favorite food I feel unworthy and when brothers and sisters help me, I feel unworthy of their love. Sometimes I have a fear of getting close to people because I fear that once they know me, they are going to be disappointed. I don't see myself as a prince in God's spiritual palace. I see myself as a pauper on the streets of discouragement.

"When my wife, Kathy, and I adopted our son Eddie, I saw firsthand how the poverty mind-set can drive people to live in a reality that tragically blinds them of the prosperity God intends to give them. Eddie grew up in physical poverty, but his attitudes and behavior typify the survival mind-set that can be seen in people who grow up in financially stable homes but experience lack in other areas of their lives.
In 1990, we started working with the Trinity County Probation Department in Lewiston, California. The Department ordered all the kids who were on probation in Lewiston to come to our youth group. Twice a week we played basketball and volleyball and then at halftime I would preach to them. Eddie was a 14-year-old young man who came every week. Eddie's mom and dad were both drug addicts so Eddie was left on his own to raise himself. He was a tall, olive-skinned, brown- haired kid.Although he wasn't on probation, he loved to play basketball with us. He hung out in the projects with the rough kids but he was usually pretty quiet. Little by little we got to know him.
About a year after we met Eddie we decided to try to adopt him.We did some research and discovered that there were two ways to gain custody. We could convince his divorced parents to sign over custody to us or we could go to court and fight for him.We decided to try to convince his parents.
 
Little by little we began to recognize the characteristics of a poverty mind-set in Eddie. It obviously had been formed in his heart by his grueling childhood.
We ate dinner together as a family most of the time. While we ate our meals Eddie would keep his eye on the food that was left.There was always plenty, but Eddie seemed concerned that we would run out. When the bowls would get about half full he would fill his plate again and then hide food all around his plate and in his napkin.The rest of us would just pretend we didn't notice, but it made us sad.
Eddie's first Christmas with us was exciting. We learned that he had never really had a Christmas because any gifts he received his mom would sell for drugs. We decided to go to the extreme and shower the kids with presents. We spent hundreds of dollars and distributed the money equally among all of them. There were so many gifts we could barely see the tree.
Finally Christmas Day came and we sat down together to open gifts. The whole family was having a blast watching Eddie open his gifts. He was like a little kid.The only problem was that he wouldn't let anyone hold his gifts once they were opened.
Eddie was always afraid he would not have enough. A poverty spirit usually leads paupers to develop a survival mentality. The fear of lack is based on lies, and until those lies are broken, people can't recognize God's provision for their lives.When Eddie became part of our family he had everything he needed and wanted. His old life was gone. But until he stopped believing those lies he couldn't relax and enjoy life with us.
Thankfully, Eddie is free from his old mind-set. He has grown up to be an amazing young man and has graduated from college. (We are very proud of him.)
Few of us from a middle-class American upbringing can imagine a life of survival and scarcity. In the text the author talks about going to the mom's to get the signature for custody. The mom sat noticeably high off of drugs in a messy and cold apartment without electricity. It is possible then to see why Eddie would feel like he needed to get refills of food even when he was not finished eating and why he would hide food. There are millions of Eddies living in this world not just in Africa, but here in our backyard in our city. Tonight, I recognize the pauper mentality not just in myself but in so many. There is an abundance in the house of God but many Christians live like paupers on the streets. Like Eddie, we are adopted into a family where there is more than enough and love like we've never experience. There is so much more but I think, at least for me, I fail to recognize it because I feel very discouraged recently.

"For example, if we are constructing a new building, we argue that we must give up some other project to cover the cost.Yet we have been called to live beyond reason and far beyond the borders of our own abilities. If we can't do any more than mere men, then let us not tell others we are a part of the church of a living God. We have to accomplish more than the Elk's Club if we are going to call God our Dad. This requires us to live by faith in God's provision. When we daily trust God for our substance then we will tap into Heaven's resources. (I know that there is a real need for true stewardship in the Body of Christ but much of what is called stewardship in the Church is simply fear that has disguised itself as wisdom.)
Paul said it best,"My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 4:19). Did you get that? He said, "God will supply all of our needs according to His riches in glory!" He is not supplying according to my need but according to His riches.
Many times I have asked people what they do for a living. Some of them say, "I live by faith." I have learned over the years that this statement usually means, "I don't have a job. I depend on people to donate to my ministry." The unspoken belief is that people who receive a paycheck don't need to believe God for their income.This ideology is problematic. If we stop living by faith when we start receiving a regular income, then we reduce our provision down to our ability to perform instead of the Lord's ability to provide.
 
"The promised land of princehood is filled with the Father's blessings. He wants to lavish His love on us, pour out His blessings in us, and give more than we can contain.The Psalms put it best, "How blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who greatly delights in His commandments. His descendants will be mighty on earth; the generation of the upright will be blessed.Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures forever" (Ps. 112:1-3)."
Prayer:
Father, it says in Your word that You give according to Your riches. You have more money than all rulers on the earth combined and yet for my entire life I feel like a pauper. I am Eddie. I am situated and adopted into Your house but maintain a pauper identity. I feel worthless and poor but Your word says I am so much more. I want to experience the lavishness of Your love and abundance of Your blessing. Tonight, as I realize and know more about my health condition, I feel more powerless and insignificant than ever. I have prayed for healing for so long but now it seems really hard. I fail often to see that You are God and sovereign still. I fail at times to see that You are God over the impossible in my life. Father, I am tired of living like a pauper, feeling useless, invisible, and insignificant. Help me to see my worth in Your eyes and to see Your lavish and everlasting love.